


The Secret Service Never Rests

by quantumgravity



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Kingsman: The Secret Service, Confident Katsuki Yuuri, M/M, Prince Victor Nikiforov, Spy!Yuuri, also teen up for lewd comments, dw nothing explicit happens, just... a really short part of the actual movie, kingsman!AU, unimportant characters die here too btw so!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-14
Updated: 2017-05-14
Packaged: 2018-10-31 15:15:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10901973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quantumgravity/pseuds/quantumgravity
Summary: “If I let you out, will you give me a kiss? I’ve always wanted to kiss a prince.” Yuuri says with no hint of embarrassment in his voice. He doesn’t know how long he can keep this act up, but a kiss from a gorgeous prince wouldn’t hurt.“I’ll give you more than just a kiss if you let me out."





	The Secret Service Never Rests

Guards start rushing in from both ends of the hallway, carrying large guns in all shapes and forms and clad in white protective gear. Yuuri backs himself into a corner, pressing his back against a large, steel door. The steel is cold against his bulletproof suit and sends chills down his spine.

“I’m fucked,” Yuuri whispers underneath his breath. “Um… Celestino… Maybe you can hurry up with that plan of yours, I’m kinda--not kinda--stuck here and about to die.” He yells into the receiver in his glasses in a panicked voice.

“It’s almost done,” Celestino replies curtly on the other side of the line.

“Hurry!”

The guards position themselves around Yuuri, aiming their guns towards him. Time suddenly feels so much slower, as if Father Time decided to fuck around and make the second hand painfully move fifty times slower. 

Out of nowhere, the heads of the guards begin exploding off their body. Exploding? Where their heads are supposed to be are replaced with colourful mushroom-shaped smoke. Yuuri could feel himself sitting with the audience of a performing orchestra except he’s the only one in the audience and the orchestra players weren’t playing instruments but their heads were exploding to the tune of Pachelbel's Canon in D major.

A few minutes pass and the smoke finally dissipates, floor covered in blood and dead bodies. Yuuri blinks a few times to make sure that what he just saw was true--and it was. He could feel his heart beat faster and the blood rushing in his veins. His stomach bubbles with laughter and, he lets out victorious chuckles, filling the empty hallway. 

“Holy shit, Celestino! That was so fucking cool! I can’t believe you did  _ that.”  _

Celestino’s hearty laugh rings in his ears. “Of course, what else do you expect from a senior Kingsman.” He boasts. Yuuri can practically hear Celestino’s ego inflate.

Yuuri could feel someone pounding the door against his back and hear the voice of someone screaming “let me out” from the other side. He unhinges the square sheet of steel that was some sort of opening for the prisoner and warden to communicate through. His eyes widen with shock when he finds the prince of Russia is staring into his brown eyes. 

“Just what the fuck is going on?” The prince says, his expression completely distraught and hair disheveled. 

“Prince Nikiforov, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you.” Yuuri says cooly, trying to woo the prince even though he is screaming internally. He feels like setting himself on fire but instead he runs his hand through his hair to slick it back and give the prince a playful grin. 

To his surprise, the prince buys it. Prince Nikiforov winks back at him. 

“Can you let me out, cute boy?” The prince coos and bats his eyelashes dramatically at the Kingsman agent. 

“If I let you out, will you give me a kiss? I’ve always wanted to kiss a prince.” Yuuri says with no hint of embarrassment in his voice. He doesn’t know how long he can keep this act up, but a kiss from a gorgeous prince wouldn’t hurt. 

“I’ll give you more than just a kiss if you let me out,” the Prince says with a tinge of desperation in his otherwise seductive voice. Victor Nikiforov forms an O-shape with his fingers and opens his mouth. He presses his tongue against his left cheek and thrusts his hand at an angle towards his mouth.

Middle school may have easily been the most embarrassing point in Yuuri’s life but nothing can top the secondhand embarrassment he feels from Victor doing that lewd gesture right in front of him...and not even breaking eye contact,  _ god.  _ Yuuri knows he should probably stop playing along with the Prince but he just cannot stop. To be precise, he doesn’t know where to stop. A kiss would’ve been fine but--

“You think I’m fucking stupid?” A voice booms through the PA system in the hallway. 

Yuuri whips his head towards the source of the voice. “I wouldn’t put that fucking chip in my head. What? Were you expecting me to die and my head to explode too? You’re fucking boo boo the fool then.” The announcement ends and the silence sinks right back into the hallway.

“Yuuri! Did you hear that?” Celestino says from the receiver in the Yuuri’s glasses.

“Yes, I did. I’ll be on it in a sec.” Yuuri replies. He turns to face the Prince whose eyes had both shock and disappointment mixed into its blue irises.

“Sorry about that. It’s time to save the world, Prince Victor.” Yuuri turns his body away from the steel door.

“Wait!” Prince Nikiforov calls out before Yuuri runs away. “If you save the world, we can do it up the asshole instead.” The Prince winks at him and licks his lips. Yuuri blinks a few times and narrows his eyes in disbelief. Is the Prince for real right now? There’s no way he’s serious because that was the stupidest sentence Yuuri has ever heard in his life. Yuuri scrutinizes the Prince’s face to find a sign that he was joking but, just from Prince Nikiforov’s bedroom eyes, Yuuri can tell that he is _absolutely_ _serious_.

“Well then, I’ll be right back.” Yuuri says and runs as fast as he can, hoping his legs can take him far away from the regret and embarrassment he had just put himself through. On the other hand, he doesn’t actually mind. Doing  _ it _ up the asshole, the Prince’s asshole, doesn’t sound that bad. It’s a tempting offer but it’s not something Yuuri can take.

He finally reaches his destination and adjusts the cuffs of his sleeves. He’s ready to put up a fight for the sake of the entire world. The room is filled with burned and bloody dead bodies. There is an elevated office encased in glass on the other side of the room. The mobile services tycoon, Valentine, and his assistant, Gazelle, stand in the office, looking down at Yuuri. Gazelle begins running and charges through the glass wall. She lands perfectly on the ground. The same landing superheroes do in action movies. Yuuri slowly backs away, pulling his sword from its casing strapped to his back. 

Gazelle runs full force towards Yuuri, kicking him with her extremely sharpened metal prosthetic foot. Yuuri blocks her with his sword, trying his best to cut through her skin since he covered his sword with the most dangerous neurotoxins known to man. The clang of metal against metal fills the room. Yuuri can feel the hairs on the back of his neck stand as he loses his footing. The chances of him losing to Gazelle increase as the seconds tick. Wait… His shoes! Maybe he’ll be able to have an advantage against her. He subtly and swiftly hits the heels of his shoes against each other and a small poisoned blade appears on tip of his right shoe. 

Yuuri finds himself trying to hold off Gazelle’s kicks. She is adamant in trying to cut his sword in half but he won’t let her. With one smooth move, the blade on the tip of his shoe grazes her thigh and the poison starts to rush through her body. Gazelle stumbles backwards, confused and weak from the poison.

“What did you do to me?” She hisses.

“Find out for yourself.” Yuuri shrugs. He runs and then throws his sword like a javelin towards Valentine. The sword impales him like a skewer going through a piece of meat. He falls down on the ground and Gazelle follows suit, both on the final stretch of their lives and poison coursing through their veins. 

Yuuri dusts off the dirt from his suit and slicks his hair back. What a day, he thought he’d be able to catch a break and play with Vicchan but spywork always keeps him on his toes. He adjusts his glasses and tells Celestino the job is done. He slicks his hair back and sighs. He’s tired. Maybe he’ll be able to talk the Prince out of having sex and just enjoying a casual conversation, but how would he break his act? He looks around the room and try to see if he can come up with any ideas. He spots an untouched bottle of champagne and two champagne flutes that miraculously remained undamaged and untouched from all the madness. 

Yuuri takes the bottle and the glasses with him. He’s aware that champagne does not send the message he wants but he’s hoping the Prince at least wouldn’t have a raging hardon. 

He slowly makes his way to the Prince’s cellar, praying for the best. He comes up with all sorts of excuses but finally settles on one, the truth. 

Yuuri knocks on the steel door, and Victor appears on the other side with an excited grin.

“So… did you save the world?”

“Yes, yes I did. Give me a second…” Yuuri taps the receiver on this glasses, making sure that Celestino is listening.

“Hey, can you help me out and open the door.”

“Sure… the code is 2625.”

“Thanks,” Yuuri says quietly. He punches the code in and walks into the room where Victor is sprawled across the sofa. Yuuri sighs and puts a smile on his face, aiming to talk the prince out of the mess he put himself through.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope y'all enjoy this silly fic, thanks for reading!! okay so what is up??? why have i not seen a kingsman au fic D: (if u know one pls link me, im suffering)  
> thank u so much rena (@hinatella) for beta reading and for letting me scream ideas @ u. also i referenced her superhero au fic somewhere  
> i got so much secondhand embarrassment writing this fic im sobbing  
> i might make a kingsman chapter fic that's unrelated to this with the actual yoi characters and a different overarching plot but??? idk??? when i have time maybe. hopefully i'll get to it sometime during this summer in between summer classes!!!
> 
> btw hmu on twitt (@viictuuris)


End file.
